A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.  The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.  A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.  In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.  He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.  He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.  As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.  Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.  She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn’t do it."

This is why we love kids…

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.  During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.  She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.  The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?  Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.  My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.  ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.  As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.  ‘It sure is,’ I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’  ‘And why not, darling?’  ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

You got to love this guy…This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’ Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD