So I’ve been meaning to put this up for a while now but I haven’t had the time *(insert excuse)*, but it’s up here now so let’s not bicker about it.

Anyways,

So there’s this site out there in the ether called The Editing Room where Rod Hilton goes after popular movies and writes what he calls the much shorter and more truthful version of these films.  if you take the time to read some of them, especially The Matrix Reloaded, you can get a gist of how funny this man is and really how absurd some of these movies are.

I had often thought while reading some of these that it sure would be great if someone were to make an animation or act out some of these scripts as I think it would be hysterical.  Luckily I don’t have to wait anymore.  The people over at Geekson.com have done that with their reading of Star Wars Episode III.

Enjoy.

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many
of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in
return is enough to bury those that did not return.
It became very quiet in the room.

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do,
bomb them?’

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have
three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 5,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their
flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’

Once again, dead silence.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
admiral suddenly complained that, ‘Whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English.’ He then asked, ‘Why is it
that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather
than speaking French?’

Without hesitating, the American admiral replied ‘Maybe it’s because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t
have to speak German.’

You could have heard a pin drop

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a
tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by
plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.

‘You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’

The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any frenchman to show it
to!

So I was surfing the interweb as I am want to do, all in an effort to bring you guys the best crap I find and I happened upon this video from g33klite.

enjoy.

Not Two Girls One Cup But… – video powered by Metacafe

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I can’t remember what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ’stop‘, unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing…….

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives !!!

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 Weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write “for smuggling diamonds”.
7.  Finish all your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy”.
8  Do NOT use any punctuation
9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.  Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.  Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go”.
12.  Sing along at the opera.
13.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16.  Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19.  Tell your children over dinner.  “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

You got to love this guy…This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’ Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD

Last year I brought you guys a video that had comedian Zach Galifianakis redoing Kanye West’s video for the song Can’t Tell Me Nothing.  It’s not really what you would call a cover of a song but it was entertaining none the less.

Now usually when someone thinks of a cover song, the song is normally done I the same style as the way the original artist performed it.  However there are times when the cover artist decides to interpret the song his/her own way.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it fails.  But as long as it doesn’t end up like the cover that Fergie did of the cover Guns & Roses did of the James Bond theme Live and Let Die, I think we’ll be ok.

Hit the link brought to us by Stephen over at SandandCotton.com

10 Cover Songs Performed In Unusual Ways

On this our second St Valentine’s Day, enjoy this little anicdote about what every office in America should have.

Enjoy.

Master Reference binder for all staff.

Inside this binder you will find “solutions” to everyday problems.

If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal problems, or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.

Since the Super Bowl is right around the corner, I thought some football humor was in order.

Enjoy.

In 1977, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were in the midst of what would become a 26-game regular season losing streak (a standing NFL record).  After one particularly bad game, a Tampa Tribune reporter asked coach John McKay about the execution of his team’s offensive line.  His response: “I’m in favor of it.”
Another quote attributed to Coach McKay that year: “We can’t win at home, we can’t win on the road, so we were going to petition the league for a neutral site.”

More football quotes:

“Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
– Joe Theisman, NFL QB

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
– George Rogers, NO Saints QB

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”
– Bill Peterson, Houston Oilers head coach

“I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.”
– Jerry Rice, SF 49ers wide receiver

“I’ve been big ever since I was little.”
– William Perry, Chicago Bears defensive tackle