*yes I know I didn’t have to use this pic, but let’s face it, you knew I was gonna*

I’m a little confused.  Let me see if I have this straight…

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you’re "exotic, different."

* Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers: a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack you’re a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* Name your kids Willow, Trig, and Track: you’re a maverick.

* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.

* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating: you’re well-grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate’s Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran’s Affairs committees, you
don’t have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl (sportscaster), 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with fewer than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with 650,000 people, then you’re qualified to become the country’s second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you’re not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you’re a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state’s school system while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you’re very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family’s values don’t represent America’s.

* If you’re husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DUI conviction and no college education, who didn’t register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OK, much clearer now.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.  The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.  A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.  In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.  He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.  He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.  As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.  Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.  She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn’t do it."

This is why we love kids…

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.  She was stark naked!  As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.  During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now.  She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.  When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.  The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.  Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?  Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report.  My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her.  ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.  As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.  ‘It sure is,’ I replied.  Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.  Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.  
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.  One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.  When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’  ‘And why not, darling?’  ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, ‘Over the years, the United States has sent many
of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom
beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in
return is enough to bury those that did not return.
It became very quiet in the room.

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying ‘Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do,
bomb them?’

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: ‘Our carriers have
three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 5,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their
flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?’

Once again, dead silence.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
admiral suddenly complained that, ‘Whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English.’ He then asked, ‘Why is it
that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather
than speaking French?’

Without hesitating, the American admiral replied ‘Maybe it’s because
the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t
have to speak German.’

You could have heard a pin drop

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a
tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by
plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry on.

‘You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’

The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’
‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he
quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in
‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any frenchman to show it
to!

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

When I was born, I got a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I can’t remember what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory

Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings…’

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ’stop‘, unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing…….

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn’t.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives !!!

1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2.  Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In”.
5.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 Weeks.  Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6.  In the memo field of all your checks, write “for smuggling diamonds”.
7.  Finish all your sentences with “In Accordance With The Prophecy”.
8  Do NOT use any punctuation
9.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10.  Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.  Specify that your drive-through order is “To Go”.
12.  Sing along at the opera.
13.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme?
14.  Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16.  Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17.  When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!, I Won!”
18.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling “Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”
19.  Tell your children over dinner.  “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

You got to love this guy…This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride’s and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8×10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests’ reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, ‘F—you!’ Then he turned to his bride and said, ‘F— you!’ Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, ‘I’m outta here.’

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge–making the bride’s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard ‘priceless’ commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone’s face when they see the 8×10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can’t buy, for everything else there’s MASTERCARD

On this our second St Valentine’s Day, enjoy this little anicdote about what every office in America should have.

Enjoy.

Master Reference binder for all staff.

Inside this binder you will find “solutions” to everyday problems.

If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal problems, or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.

Since the Super Bowl is right around the corner, I thought some football humor was in order.

Enjoy.

In 1977, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were in the midst of what would become a 26-game regular season losing streak (a standing NFL record).  After one particularly bad game, a Tampa Tribune reporter asked coach John McKay about the execution of his team’s offensive line.  His response: “I’m in favor of it.”
Another quote attributed to Coach McKay that year: “We can’t win at home, we can’t win on the road, so we were going to petition the league for a neutral site.”

More football quotes:

“Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
– Joe Theisman, NFL QB

“I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
– George Rogers, NO Saints QB

“You guys line up alphabetically by height.”
– Bill Peterson, Houston Oilers head coach

“I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.”
– Jerry Rice, SF 49ers wide receiver

“I’ve been big ever since I was little.”
– William Perry, Chicago Bears defensive tackle